the World According to Ward

Dude, can we just chillax for a second?  I mean, where the hell are the Doritos?  I’m like totally loving me some Amsterdam, and now you’re telling me we have to leave?  And go where?  Where the hell’s Dusseldorf, anyways?

Quit yer cryin, Wardie! I’m in the future, and I’m telling you, you’re gonna have a blast in Dusseldorf.  For starters, you have most of the day off.  You’re gonna check into the hotel and then play an in-store performance here:

In-store, whoa!  That doesn’t sound like a day off to me.  How’s about just kicking back at the hotel with a pizza and watching Aqua Teen in German?

Oh come now, look at all the fun in store for you (ha ha).  Here’s Vienna and Alex playing “In Another Life”:

And here Vienna is signing all kinds of autographs:

While she’s busy, you get to hang out with Alex!

Yo, Alex, Future me is saying  we’re gonna have a blast in Dusseldorf.  What do you think, bro? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dude, I still can’t move my arm, plus I just got back from my own time traveling. I have no idea.  Do you have any twinkies?

 

 

 

Come on, guys!  Vienna is going to be interviewed by a real TV station:

“So, Vienna, tell us what music means to you”

“Well, like, music is totally responsible for, like, all of history and such…
I mean right here in Germany the Berlin Wall fell, you know,
because there was a song, insofar as, like, made people come
to feel as though, you know, world peace? So, like, I think
my own unique musical genius, seeing as it is, like, here in Germany,
could totally usher in like, world peace or some and such as…”

Mmmmm….well, looks like she’s gonna take a while.

Bro, wait, she was totally getting deep, I mean like into the fundamentals of the universe and shit….

But aren’t you ready to leave the mall and get out on the streets with the Volk?  Look how nice a city Dusseldorf is:

There’s even a cool exhibit on Sonic Youth at the Art Gallery:

…that you won’t go see.

Man, I’m like totally starving.

Okay, calm down!  Dusseldorf has just the place for you:

 The Brauerei Fuchschen!!

This is a great restaurant and brewery where they make their own:

wheat beer, and:

Altbier.

Just perfect for a beer geek such as yourself.  Check this out to learn more about Altbier and what a cool place you’re in: one of the 4 places in Dusseldorf where they brew their own Altbier.  Wicked!  Much thanks and gratitude to Marc and Carston of A&O Media for taking us out:

Thanks, guys!

Vienna will also show you how she can melt Carston’s face with her mind:

You’ll also get to eat some sauerbraten and watch Alex be Gumby as his system continues to process the Space Muffin:

You can move his hand wherever you want and it’ll stay there.

 Look, you can even balance a beer on him:

More fun than a barrel of monkeys!

Well, that sauerbraten was pretty damn good.  What else you got, future me?

Well, after dinner, y’all will wander the streets and stumble into Em Pöötzke, one of the best known jazz clubs in Germany, and check these guys out:

Ladies and Gentlemen, Damen und Herren: The New Orpheans!

They’re one kickass dixieland jazz group.  They have a price list for requests:

which says: requests: 10 euros or one round for the band, “When the saints go marching in”: 20 euros or 2 rounds for the band, “Ice Cream”: 50 Euros or a round for everyone.

Dude, let’s see if this works.  Here comes the round I bought:

Yeah, that was from me, Opheans.  Do y’all know any Phish?

Well, how about The Dead?  No?  Well at least mark our half of the bar down for one round:

Alright, we’re tied at 2 to Two!

See, isn’t this fun?  Alex and Vienna are gettin down!

During one of the breaks, the New Orpheans let Vienna take the stage also:

to sing a rousing version of “City Hall”

After that, this woman will want the New Orpheans to play “Midnight Train to Georgia”  They won’t know it, but they’ll have her ask Vienna:

“Entshuldigen Sie, Bitte, do you know “Midnight Train to Georgia?”

Vienna: Yes I do! (singing): I’m leeeeaavin….On that Midnight train to Georgia….I’d rather live in his world, than live without him in miiinneee!

“Oh you make me so happy!!!!”

“ON DAS MIDNIGHT TRAIN VON GEORGIA!!!”

“I will now lean in for big German-style French Kiss!”

“Ach, mein herz! I think I am fainting now from der Joy!!!!!”

Of all the people who have ever enjoyed the singing of Vienna Teng, no one has ever been made happier then this woman.

Damn, you’re right!  I’m having a blast in Dusseldorf!  Let’s go play a show!

Alrighty then, cowboy!  You’ll play here:

at a club called Zakk (named for the beloved character from “Saved by the Bell”)

The show will be dope, but between sets, the real action will be backstage.  Alex is no longer Gumby….he’s now the Juggling Wonder!!

Check that out!  Truly a man of many talents.

Wow, future me.  You are truly wise and brilliant. I’m sorry I was a whiny little bitch about leaving Amsterdam.  I’m having fun now.  Can we reunite across space and time now and tell the good people at home about Hamburg?

Absolutely…..woooosh! (Sky turns bright white)

Whoa, that was weird.  And I have a little nosebleed now.  I’m sure it’s nothing.

After Dusseldorf, we drove to Hamburg and played at a club called Fabrik:

Both Fabrik and Zakk seemed a lot more like rock and roll clubs than the other venues.  But Fabrik was also a learning center for kids during the day.

How about that?  The kids were all rollerblading and hanging from the ceiling with bungee cords when we were loading in.  No joke.

Here’s me in the dressing room:

Look at all the graffiti!  Just like the clubs back home.  Here’s Vienna and Alex listening to Gert’s favorite song to check the sound system: “Everything Happens to Me”

They’re really getting into it!  Fabrik fed us an amazing asian themed dinner:

And Gert swallowed a bug:

After dinner, I discovered a real live elephant made of chocolate:

I tried to lick him, but he impaled me with his chocolate tusk and trampled me.   But Vienna cast a +3 regeneration spell and I was healed just in time for the show.

After the gig, we arrived at the hotel monopol on the Reeperbahn.  Sexy time!

Hmmmm. This bed could use a little work:

Aaahhh, much better!  The hotel monopol reminded me of a slightly higher class Ascot Inn (Charlotte NC), a hotel where Jump did the infamous “heart shaped bathtub” photo shoot.  I think it’s about time those pictures see the light of day, what do you say, boys?

Christina and Sarah, the super heros, brought our luggage back, so I had clean underwear, Alex had his newly repaired jacket:

and Ms. Teng had her badass cowboy boots:

Thanks again for looking out for our stuff, quite-something!

We had a couple of drinks at the Monopol bar and then went to get some curry wurst!

Hmmm, not bad.  Not as tasty as Berlins.  But I don’t think the debate is settled yet, cause we didn’t go to the most famous curry wurst place in Hamburg.

We went here:

Here’s the back:

Heh heh, the neon people are peeing on each other!

Now I know we’ve been having a good time.  We’ve shared lots of light hearted laughs and fun sights and bed warm-ups.  But if you could bear with me while I impart some tragic news.  Before I do, check out the picture of me in the dressing room in Hamburg or the movie of me warming up the Monopol bed.  Notice anything different?  No?  Well on the way from Dusseldorf to Hamburg, this happened:

My glasses broke!

I’ve seen many things through these glasses since I bought them in 2001.  I wore these during the Underdog Jump tour, summer 2001.  A stripper in New Orleans “cleaned” them for me at Big Daddy’s. I performed with them during Jump’s final shows at the Dock St. Theatre in 2005.  I watched my nephew, Thomas, come into the world with them. I saw the first, second, third….100th metal monday in Charleston through their lenses.  I watched the NYC skyline on the horizon wearing these glasses as I drove the U-Haul up 278 to my first apartment in Williamsburg.  And now I have to wear these:

Thank God I thought to pack them!

Yes, it’s the end of an era people.  Maybe it’s time for me to get lasik.

Coming up: we continue through Germany, and get caught up on Lost!

“GIVE HIM THE STICK. DON’T GIVE HIM THE STICK! OOOOOOO”

So, when we last left our hero, he was in Berlin, united with the super friends (Vienna Teng and Alex Wong), and kicking some ass like Klaus Meine, Rudy Schenker and Mattias Jabs all rolled into one on stage at the Quasimodo.  After the gig, we had to pare down our set up so that we could get on the plane to Amsterdam with out paying a billion euros for excess baggage.  We left our unessential baggage(ie. clean underwear) with our pals, Sarah Wolf and Christina Schwass:

who would deliver it to us in Hamburg.  Christina and Sarah are super heros with magical powers. They also are Quite-Something, Vienna’s marketing team for her new album, Inland Territory.  Feeling safe and secure, thanks to Quite-Something, we went to sleep with rock in our veins and curry wurst in our bellies. The next morning, we went to the airport, had no trouble with our luggage (muchas gracias, Sarah and Christina) and flew to Amsterdam.  We were met there by our fearless tour manager/sound engineer: Gert

All serious business, right?  Well, back in the day….

Do you feel the power of the Gert?  Well, do ya, punk?

He drove up in a nice white Mercedes Sprinter:

to pick us up and take us to Gronigen, in the Netherlands.  This was my very first time in Holland, and I must say, Gronigen was a great introduction to this beautiful country.

“Aaaay, sit on it, Holland!”

We had a lovely show at the Oosterport.  At the show, I met a guy  named Tomas, who had happened to see me play with the lovely Christina Cone in New York.  He won a trip to NYC in a raffle and just randomly found his way to the Knitting Factory the night we played there.  Small World, huh?

And the following morning, we took a bike ride with free bikes from the City Hotel.  Bitchin’!  Vienna got herself some stroopwafels at the market in the middle of town:

Stroopwafels are 2 wafflish cookies pressed together with caramel in the middle.  The Dutch answer to the Oreo.  Damn, they’re good.  And they’re like crack to Ms. Teng.  She can’t get enough of them.  Of course, the word got out to her European fans and, just like Jellybeans to the Beatles, they throw them onstage every show!

The following gig was in Munster, which isn’t where the cheese comes from.  (We asked. The cheese is spelled muenster, not Munster.  Oh well.)  The promoters wife fixed us some garlic/onion/bread pie-thing that has no name. So we tried to invent one.  Vienna decided that “bunch of snakes” might be a fitting name. So she asked Gert:

“How do you say, ‘bunch of snakes’ in German?”

Gert: “Ein Haufenschlangen “

Vienna:”Ine Hoofenshingle?”

Thus, Vienna won the contest to see who could get Gert to laugh first.

I didn’t take a lot of pictures in Munster.  But I did get this one:

Looks like we got a bunch of patchouli covered Tengheads following us around!

We drove, the next morning, to Minden.  Wait a minute, who am I kidding?  The Gert drove, and we slept and/or played Bejeweled 2 on our iPhone. (Speaking of, I’ve got a game going now.  I’m on level 36, current score: 1,329,317.  What, you don’t believe me?  Well peep this:

Yeah, I’ll take all y’all on.  Who can beat me?)

We checked into the Holiday Inn and proceeded to begin chillin’. The we drove 400 meters to the club:

Jazz Club Minden is pretty sweet.  Gert thinks so:

After soundcheck, we went next door to a yummy restaurant that I just can’t remember the name of, but they served a chili-esque soup called “Dracula’s night out” and entrees that were like baked casserole things.  Really tasty.  They had a little pet bear that was so cute!

I went over to pet him, and he bit my hand off at the wrist.  But Gert sewed it back on for me.  Thanks, Gert!

Across the street from the club was a biker hangout called “Der Bunker”

Which, when translated, means:”The Bunker”.  We didn’t go there.  

Here we are gettin’ all pretty in the dressing room.

We had some refreshments as well.  Like this little number: Yup.  Warsteiner Cola.  But not just cola, my friends. Try 60% Warstiener beer and 40% Cola type beverage.  It’s interesting that beer geeks all over the US treat German beer with such reverence and the people who make it over here will dump coke and lemonade and shit in it without batting an eye.  Well, let’s see how it tastes:

Mmmmm…Nice nose, light hops, hints of malt and a nice finish of cheap, caramelized, carbonated soda.

Eh.  I’m not sure, Mr. Warsteiner.  Maybe beer should just be beer and cola just cola.  Call me old-fashioned.

The show in Minden was off the hook.  Totally packed with totally enthusiastic Mindenites.  Alex had some nice ladies right in front of him in a real tizzy.  ”Alex….Aleeexx!!  Mien Leibe!!!”   they shouted.  He is pretty studly, so I understand.  

And then, early the next morning, we. drove to……….AMSTERDAM!!!!!!!!!!! (I really liked Amsterdam.)

We loaded into the Bimhuis:

Pretty sexy, no?  Here are some shots of the interior of the building:

Here we are soundchecking in the concert hall: We played at 2pm.  Rocked their Dutch faces off at 2pm on a Sunday.  We are consummate professionals.  A well-oiled machine.  Afterwards, we signed lots of autographs, and my pal Tomas was there.  He took some pictures of us after the show,  but I have yet to get them.  Come on, Tomas, put the bong down and get it together!  Then I can show the cyber world that you exist!

After the gig, we checked into the Movenpick Hotel:

Conveniently located right next door to the venue.  What a lovely place! The lobby:

Oh and the rooms!  Here’s the view from the window:

I know!  I’m way up there, right?  What a great room!  Alright, let’s get the bed warmed up:

“I know it’s possible.  In fact, this is the 3 hours in the future version of me; that’s why I’m all out of focus and fuzzy”

“Yeah, I thought you looked a little weird.  This is incredible!  What do you think about the scientific ramifications of this?

“Dude, whoa…I mean can we just chill?  Future me has a serious case of the munchies, and this creme brulee has ‘Alex Wong’

“Bitchin!”

They were actually really good.  The drummer was bonkers.  He picked up a towel to dampen the snare at one point and just started drumming with the towel.  He’d kick the cymbal and throw his sticks at it.  Wicked.  Has anyone out there heard of these guys?  Are they jazz legends?  When it comes to jazz,I don’t know my ass from a hole in the ground.

“Man, this tea is getting me so baked”

“Uh, Ward, that’s chamomile.  That ain’t gonna do shit.  Here, let’s split one of these:”

 Just had to write about Space Muffins while i’m still feeling the Space Muffins.

Damn, I mean yum yum.  So good.  feelin all fuzzy. can’t believe i made it 

back to the movinpick.  I’m swimming and I think everything’s funny.  

     Long seconds.  I’m hungry.  You can get your teeth fixed at Jerry’s famous deli.  

I thinkk I’m brilliant,  I wish i could write more but I cain’t.  I’m feelin

lazy and soggy.

Oh really, Level 38?  That’s right, bitches.  Who can defeat me!?  Bring it!!!!!!

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Ward.  He worked at Resto and played music and had fun in New York.  Then  the lovely Vienna Teng asked him to go on tour with her, to Europe and the US.  He said, “Oh, Goody!”  And off he went.  But first, he had a nice going away party at Brook’vin wine bar near his house.  There was good wine, good food, 

Good Friends:

Foxy Ladies:

….And much rejoicing.  Ward went to bed with a full belly, a spinning head, and plenty of joy and fun times to remember NYC by for the next 3 months.

The following morning (switch to 1st person now) I woke up early, around 6:45 am, packed up, and moved some stuff into storage so my lovely subletters would have room to put their belongings.  

I headed into the city to pick up my cello case from David Gage: …which weighs in at 250lbs, and stands at 12′ tall.  But you think I’m gonna let that stop me?  Please.  I’m ripped.  Totally cut and ripped.  Work out everyday, yesirree, bob.  So if you think I had any trouble at all lugging this monster thru the subway, you’re sadly mistaken.

I stopped by Resto to pickup some sweet moolah, have a goodbye burger and beer, and wish my friends and co-workers well.  After a tearful farewell, I headed home to get the rest of my luggage and headed to the airport.  

Needless to say, absolutely no problems carrying my cello, guitar, camera, a snare drum, a majorly stuffed backpack and suitcase.  Nope.  Piece of cake.

After downing a double Knob Creek at the JFK Chili’s bar, I boarded my plane to Berlin Tegel Airport around 7:45pm.  Feelin’ good.  Delta fed me a nice little supper.  I decided to skip out on “The Secret Life of Bees” though, and get a little catnap.  After a couple of hours of airplane sleep, Papa Delta gave us a little breakfast, and we landed at 10am CET, which is 4am EST.  Time without sleep: 21hrs 15mins (excluding my little nap)

At Berlin, I was greeted by my good buddy, Adam:

….He’s my good buddy!   He whisked me away to a lovely breakfast in his neighborhood (Prenzlauerberg) at a Russian-themed restaurant called Bar Gagarin (named for the famous Russian Cosmonaut, Yuri Gagarin.  Adam didn’t think I knew that, but I did, Adam, so screw you!).

Here’s me at Bar Gagarin:    looking pensive, thoughtful, and none the worse for the wear, considering my lack of sleep and longish flight.  I was really craving my usual breakfast of eggs, bacon, and toast.  I ordered that, but decided that I should also have some local flavors (via Russia) so I got a bowl of borscht:

Yummy, yummy!

Now I’ve never had borscht before.  (Or perhaps I have, but, for the sake of this blog, just for shits and giggles, let’s all pretend I haven’t.)

Here’s me taking my very first bite of Borscht, ever!

So tasty and delicious!  (It was still good, reheated, 4 days later.)  

After breakfast, we strolled around, went to see the Berlin Wall:

  or what’s left of it.

Here are some dismantled pieces of the wall:

 and a cool painting near the wall:

Here is me dry-humping the Wall:

  Adam made me do that.  It really hurt.

Returning to Adam’s apartment, I played a little cello, just to get warmed up for the tour:Hmmm.  Looks like I was a little cranky.  I mean, it was around 4pm CET/10amEST, 27 hours no sleep. More caffeine maybe? Luckily, Adam knew of the perfect place:

Ahhhh.  Bonanza Coffee Heroes.  I weep at the sight of thee, knowing that it may be a long time before we are reunited.  This coffee bar is the jam, in the same vein as 9th St. Espresso Bar in chelsea market, or Joe’s Coffee in the West Village.

Check out their machine, which cost as much a VW Beetle stretch limo:  

And dig the badass latte art:

  Pretty sweet, eh?  Thanks to Adam for taking the action shots.

We stopped by an old brewery that has been transformed into a cultural center:

 If you look closely at the schedule halfway up, you can see that the great Beatallica are playing there soon.  Sadly, I’ll be long gone from berlin when they arrive.

…..sigh.  Weltschmerz.  How to make myself feel better……

 Hey…..I see some cool statues in the courtyard!  Let’s play: I’m crushing your johnson!        …sweet. 

Okay, so by this time, it’s around 5pmCET/11amEST: 28 hours no sleep.  I’m getting a little tired.  But for all you world travelers out there, I have a 100% foolproof cure for jetlag: plenty of caffeine and alcohol!  Once you arrive overseas.  Just eat, drink, and be merry, and, whatever you do, don’t stop moving!!!  Keep on powering through, and you’ll be fine.

 I made some margaritas for Adam and his girlfriend, Dea:  Ain’t she purdy?    We had a little snack and we were headed out the door to a dinner party.  My 4th wind, however, faded  shortly after the margaritas.  Hitting the wall….What to do, what to do….this party was all the way in Kreuzburg, about a 40 minute train ride.  Jeez!  So tired.  How am I going to keep my buzz on?   What’s that you say, good buddy Adam?  Germany has no open container laws??!!  You mean I can drink in public??!!!??  Oh joy oh rapture!  Look at how much fun the world could be with no open container law: 

(soundtrack for montage: medley of “What a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong & “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor)

We finally arrived at the party.  This is Daniel, the host of the soiree:

  What a nice bunch of folks!  I was pretty much totally loopy and ridiculous, but everyone welcomed me with open arms. Especially this guy, Jerry Gagelman:

   Don’t you think he kind of looks like James Franco?  He’s a super smart mathematician, and very nice guy.  More about Jerry later.  

Turns out: Daniel’s party was a pizza party, as in homemade pizza.  So, of course my drunk ass joined the fun!  Here’s how to make a delicious pizza with the Drunken Wardie Technique-watch and learn:

1. Flatten out the dough into a roundish shape:

2. Experience the aura of the dough, then make the dough your bitch: 

3. Drop dough on the floor. (Photo missing)

4. With intense concentration, make the dough levitate 5′ above the floor for 124 seconds:

5. Smack Adam in the face with dough:  (Photo missing)

6. Melt your face off into another dimension with pizza awesomeness:                                                                                 :

….and that’s about all there is to it.  Six easy steps! Just slather some sauce and toppings on the crust and bake it and eat it.  Then continue to make an ass out of yourself for the rest of the party.  

So around 1:15amCET/7:15pmEST:36 1/2 hours without sleep, I was wearing Daniel’s lampshades and Adam decided it was time to tuck me in.  (Bye Bye Daniel&Jerry&pizza&everybody. I just luv y’all so, hiccup, much..BELCH!)  But the fresh evening air invigorated me yet again, and by the time we got back to his apartment building, I stupidly suggested that Adam, Dea and I have a nightcap, so we go to the bar/restaurant in his building and order a couple of sidecars.  (Y’all know what a sidecar is, right?  Very simple: 2 parts brandy, 1 part cointreau, 1 part lemon juice-shake over ice and strain into a sugar rimmed glass. Easy. A Classic)

Well, the folks at this bar were quite nice.  And it was Bianca’s birthday.   What a cutie, right?  So I don’t want to be a dick.  But maybe sidecar means something different in German.  Maybe it means the bastard love child of a pina colada and jager bomb, with a twist of laffy taffy.  On the rocks (not so good, Al).  With a float of Satan’s piss.  I had 4 sips and was almost defeated.  We left the bar with heavy hearts. But, after trudging upstairs to Adam’s apartment, there was to be a bit of cyber mischief before oblivion. 

I got online at Adam’s and found, to my utter delight, that Mr. Jerry Gagelman had already added me as a friend on facebook.  Wow, that’s quick.  I was honored and humbled.  Needless to say, I accepted his friendship immediately, and welcomed him to my circle of facebook friends with a few friendly postings to his wall (read from  bottom to top):

Notice the time: 9:59am EST/2:59am CET: 51 hours no sleep!  And that, my friends, is how you open up a can of whupass all over the jetlag. I then passed out cold, dreaming of  liederhosen, bratwursts, and decent sidecars.

The next morning, I woke up in horror to this:

 Adam’s wake up song.  Adapting the same chord progression from his old answering machine greeting, circa 1995(”Hello, Hello, This is Morrisey”), Adam sang me a wretched, reverse lullaby.  But, to compensate, Adam was a great tour guide.  We saw many amazing things.  

Such as the Brandenburg Gate:

The Holocaust Memorial:

Clarchen’s Ballhaus:

The hotel where Wacko Jacko almost dropped his kid out the window:

A singing kitty:

…and a dog’s butthole:

We also saw a great concert: Ian Bostridge singing Handel with the Northern Sinfonia at the Konzerthaus:

 Dea’s friend Simon plays with them.  

One of the coolest things I saw was a rehearsal for Dialoge 09, a modern dance piece by Sasha Waltz, at the Neues Museum.  This huge museum had been closed since it was bombed in WWII and was just reopened to the public briefly right before I arrived.  The museum is empty of artwork right now, so, before the collection arrives, Sasha Waltz and Guests are performing throughout the whole museum.  The audience will arrive and walk through the rooms, and there will be different performances going on in each space.  Amazing.  It was kind of a big deal, so I didn’t get to take photos, but you should check this out.  (notice that slide#11 was taken by my good buddy, Adam Berry.)  Much thanks to Dea, who plays with Kaleidoscope, the music ensemble that will be performing with Ms. Waltz, for getting us in to see the rehearsal.  

So, finally, it was time for the whole reason I was in Berlin in the first place: to rock out with Vienna Teng and Alex Wong at the Quasimodo Club!!

Vienna has quite the following in Germany.  The crowd was most gracious.  I hadn’t played with her since our last show at Cafe Vivaldi on Feb. 25.  I felt a little rusty, but I think the power of my rock shined through.  Thus begins an auspicious tour of Europe…..and then the US of A!

Wow, you’re still reading.  Well, thank you.  Much thanks also to Adam Berry, a great host and great photographer who took many of the photos in this blog post.I hope you enjoy this glimpse into my life on tour.  Comments are welcomed and appreciated.  I’m still learning how to use my camera…

 so bear with me.

Coming next week: I’ll discuss our flight to Holland, shows in Gronigen, Munster, Minden, and Amsterdam!

ROCK ON, AS IF THOU WERT A HURRICANE, BRETHREN AND SISTHREN!