the World According to Ward

Dude, can we just chillax for a second?  I mean, where the hell are the Doritos?  I’m like totally loving me some Amsterdam, and now you’re telling me we have to leave?  And go where?  Where the hell’s Dusseldorf, anyways?

Quit yer cryin, Wardie! I’m in the future, and I’m telling you, you’re gonna have a blast in Dusseldorf.  For starters, you have most of the day off.  You’re gonna check into the hotel and then play an in-store performance here:

In-store, whoa!  That doesn’t sound like a day off to me.  How’s about just kicking back at the hotel with a pizza and watching Aqua Teen in German?

Oh come now, look at all the fun in store for you (ha ha).  Here’s Vienna and Alex playing “In Another Life”:

  

And here Vienna is signing all kinds of autographs:

While she’s busy, you get to hang out with Alex!

 

 

Yo, Alex, Future me is saying  we’re gonna have a blast in Dusseldorf.  What do you think, bro? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dude, I still can’t move my arm, plus I just got back from my own time traveling. I have no idea.  Do you have any twinkies?

 

 

 

Come on, guys!  Vienna is going to be interviewed by a real TV station:

“So, Vienna, tell us what music means to you”

“Well, like, music is totally responsible for, like, all of history and such…
I mean right here in Germany the Berlin Wall fell, you know,
because there was a song, insofar as, like, made people come
to feel as though, you know, world peace? So, like, I think
my own unique musical genius, seeing as it is, like, here in Germany,
could totally usher in like, world peace or some and such as…”

Mmmmm….well, looks like she’s gonna take a while.

Bro, wait, she was totally getting deep, I mean like into the fundamentals of the universe and shit….

But aren’t you ready to leave the mall and get out on the streets with the Volk?  Look how nice a city Dusseldorf is:

There’s even a cool exhibit on Sonic Youth at the Art Gallery:

…that you won’t go see.

Man, I’m like totally starving.

Okay, calm down!  Dusseldorf has just the place for you:

 The Brauerei Fuchschen!!

This is a great restaurant and brewery where they make their own:

wheat beer, and:

Altbier.

Just perfect for a beer geek such as yourself.  Check this out to learn more about Altbier and what a cool place you’re in: one of the 4 places in Dusseldorf where they brew their own Altbier.  Wicked!  Much thanks and gratitude to Marc and Carston of A&O Media for taking us out:

Thanks, guys!

Vienna will also show you how she can melt Carston’s face with her mind:

You’ll also get to eat some sauerbraten and watch Alex be Gumby as his system continues to process the Space Muffin:

 

You can move his hand wherever you want and it’ll stay there.

 

 

 

 

 

 Look, you can even balance a beer on him:

 

 

 

More fun than a barrel of monkeys!

Well, that sauerbraten was pretty damn good.  What else you got, future me?

Well, after dinner, y’all will wander the streets and stumble into Em Pöötzke, one of the best known jazz clubs in Germany, and check these guys out:

Ladies and Gentlemen, Damen und Herren: The New Orpheans!

They’re one kickass dixieland jazz group.  They have a price list for requests:

which says: requests: 10 euros or one round for the band, “When the saints go marching in”: 20 euros or 2 rounds for the band, “Ice Cream”: 50 Euros or a round for everyone.

Dude, let’s see if this works.  Here comes the round I bought:

Yeah, that was from me, Opheans.  Do y’all know any Phish?

Well, how about The Dead?  No?  Well at least mark our half of the bar down for one round:

Alright, we’re tied at 2 to Two!

See, isn’t this fun?  Alex and Vienna are gettin down!

During one of the breaks, the New Orpheans let Vienna take the stage also:

 

to sing a rousing version of “City Hall”

After that, this woman will want the New Orpheans to play “Midnight Train to Georgia”  They won’t know it, but they’ll have her ask Vienna:

“Entshuldigen Sie, Bitte, do you know “Midnight Train to Georgia?”

Vienna: Yes I do! (singing): I’m leeeeaavin….On that Midnight train to Georgia….I’d rather live in his world, than live without him in miiinneee!

“Oh you make me so happy!!!!”

“ON DAS MIDNIGHT TRAIN VON GEORGIA!!!”

“I will now lean in for big German-style French Kiss!”

“Ach, mein herz! I think I am fainting now from der Joy!!!!!”

Of all the people who have ever enjoyed the singing of Vienna Teng, no one has ever been made happier then this woman.

Damn, you’re right!  I’m having a blast in Dusseldorf!  Let’s go play a show!

Alrighty then, cowboy!  You’ll play here:

 

 

 

 

at a club called Zakk (named for the beloved character from “Saved by the Bell”)

The show will be dope, but between sets, the real action will be backstage.  Alex is no longer Gumby….he’s now the Juggling Wonder!!

Check that out!  Truly a man of many talents.

Wow, future me.  You are truly wise and brilliant. I’m sorry I was a whiny little bitch about leaving Amsterdam.  I’m having fun now.  Can we reunite across space and time now and tell the good people at home about Hamburg?

Absolutely…..woooosh! (Sky turns bright white)

Whoa, that was weird.  And I have a little nosebleed now.  I’m sure it’s nothing.

After Dusseldorf, we drove to Hamburg and played at a club called Fabrik:

Both Fabrik and Zakk seemed a lot more like rock and roll clubs than the other venues.  But Fabrik was also a learning center for kids during the day.

 

 

 

 

 

How about that?  The kids were all rollerblading and hanging from the ceiling with bungee cords when we were loading in.  No joke.

Here’s me in the dressing room:

Look at all the graffiti!  Just like the clubs back home.  Here’s Vienna and Alex listening to Gert’s favorite song to check the sound system: “Everything Happens to Me”

They’re really getting into it!  Fabrik fed us an amazing asian themed dinner:

And Gert swallowed a bug:

After dinner, I discovered a real live elephant made of chocolate:

 

 

I tried to lick him, but he impaled me with his chocolate tusk and trampled me.   But Vienna cast a +3 regeneration spell and I was healed just in time for the show.

 

 

 

After the gig, we arrived at the hotel monopol on the Reeperbahn.  Sexy time!

Hmmmm. This bed could use a little work:

Aaahhh, much better!  The hotel monopol reminded me of a slightly higher class Ascot Inn (Charlotte NC), a hotel where Jump did the infamous “heart shaped bathtub” photo shoot.  I think it’s about time those pictures see the light of day, what do you say, boys?

Christina and Sarah, the super heros, brought our luggage back, so I had clean underwear, Alex had his newly repaired jacket:

and Ms. Teng had her badass cowboy boots:

Thanks again for looking out for our stuff, quite-something!

We had a couple of drinks at the Monopol bar and then went to get some curry wurst!

 

 

Hmmm, not bad.  Not as tasty as Berlins.  But I don’t think the debate is settled yet, cause we didn’t go to the most famous curry wurst place in Hamburg.

 

 

We went here:

Here’s the back:

Heh heh, the neon people are peeing on each other!

Now I know we’ve been having a good time.  We’ve shared lots of light hearted laughs and fun sights and bed warm-ups.  But if you could bear with me while I impart some tragic news.  Before I do, check out the picture of me in the dressing room in Hamburg or the movie of me warming up the Monopol bed.  Notice anything different?  No?  Well on the way from Dusseldorf to Hamburg, this happened:

My glasses broke!

I’ve seen many things through these glasses since I bought them in 2001.  I wore these during the Underdog Jump tour, summer 2001.  A stripper in New Orleans “cleaned” them for me at Big Daddy’s. I performed with them during Jump’s final shows at the Dock St. Theatre in 2005.  I watched my nephew, Thomas, come into the world with them. I saw the first, second, third….100th metal monday in Charleston through their lenses.  I watched the NYC skyline on the horizon wearing these glasses as I drove the U-Haul up 278 to my first apartment in Williamsburg.  And now I have to wear these:

Thank God I thought to pack them!

Yes, it’s the end of an era people.  Maybe it’s time for me to get lasik.

Coming up: we continue through Germany, and get caught up on Lost!

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