the World According to Ward

“GIVE HIM THE STICK. DON’T GIVE HIM THE STICK! OOOOOOO”

So, when we last left our hero, he was in Berlin, united with the super friends (Vienna Teng and Alex Wong), and kicking some ass like Klaus Meine, Rudy Schenker and Mattias Jabs all rolled into one on stage at the Quasimodo.  After the gig, we had to pare down our set up so that we could get on the plane to Amsterdam with out paying a billion euros for excess baggage.  We left our unessential baggage(ie. clean underwear) with our pals, Sarah Wolf and Christina Schwass:

who would deliver it to us in Hamburg.  Christina and Sarah are super heros with magical powers. They also are Quite-Something, Vienna’s marketing team for her new album, Inland Territory.  Feeling safe and secure, thanks to Quite-Something, we went to sleep with rock in our veins and curry wurst in our bellies. The next morning, we went to the airport, had no trouble with our luggage (muchas gracias, Sarah and Christina) and flew to Amsterdam.  We were met there by our fearless tour manager/sound engineer: Gert

All serious business, right?  Well, back in the day….

Do you feel the power of the Gert?  Well, do ya, punk?

He drove up in a nice white Mercedes Sprinter:

to pick us up and take us to Gronigen, in the Netherlands.  This was my very first time in Holland, and I must say, Gronigen was a great introduction to this beautiful country.

“Aaaay, sit on it, Holland!”

We had a lovely show at the Oosterport.  At the show, I met a guy  named Tomas, who had happened to see me play with the lovely Christina Cone in New York.  He won a trip to NYC in a raffle and just randomly found his way to the Knitting Factory the night we played there.  Small World, huh?

And the following morning, we took a bike ride with free bikes from the City Hotel.  Bitchin’!  Vienna got herself some stroopwafels at the market in the middle of town:

Stroopwafels are 2 wafflish cookies pressed together with caramel in the middle.  The Dutch answer to the Oreo.  Damn, they’re good.  And they’re like crack to Ms. Teng.  She can’t get enough of them.  Of course, the word got out to her European fans and, just like Jellybeans to the Beatles, they throw them onstage every show!

The following gig was in Munster, which isn’t where the cheese comes from.  (We asked. The cheese is spelled muenster, not Munster.  Oh well.)  The promoters wife fixed us some garlic/onion/bread pie-thing that has no name. So we tried to invent one.  Vienna decided that “bunch of snakes” might be a fitting name. So she asked Gert:

“How do you say, ‘bunch of snakes’ in German?”

Gert: “Ein Haufenschlangen “

Vienna:”Ine Hoofenshingle?”

Thus, Vienna won the contest to see who could get Gert to laugh first.

I didn’t take a lot of pictures in Munster.  But I did get this one:

Looks like we got a bunch of patchouli covered Tengheads following us around!

We drove, the next morning, to Minden.  Wait a minute, who am I kidding?  The Gert drove, and we slept and/or played Bejeweled 2 on our iPhone. (Speaking of, I’ve got a game going now.  I’m on level 36, current score: 1,329,317.  What, you don’t believe me?  Well peep this:

Yeah, I’ll take all y’all on.  Who can beat me?)

We checked into the Holiday Inn and proceeded to begin chillin’. The we drove 400 meters to the club:

Jazz Club Minden is pretty sweet.  Gert thinks so:

After soundcheck, we went next door to a yummy restaurant that I just can’t remember the name of, but they served a chili-esque soup called “Dracula’s night out” and entrees that were like baked casserole things.  Really tasty.  They had a little pet bear that was so cute!

I went over to pet him, and he bit my hand off at the wrist.  But Gert sewed it back on for me.  Thanks, Gert!

Across the street from the club was a biker hangout called “Der Bunker”

Which, when translated, means:”The Bunker”.  We didn’t go there.  

Here we are gettin’ all pretty in the dressing room.

We had some refreshments as well.  Like this little number: Yup.  Warsteiner Cola.  But not just cola, my friends. Try 60% Warstiener beer and 40% Cola type beverage.  It’s interesting that beer geeks all over the US treat German beer with such reverence and the people who make it over here will dump coke and lemonade and shit in it without batting an eye.  Well, let’s see how it tastes:

Mmmmm…Nice nose, light hops, hints of malt and a nice finish of cheap, caramelized, carbonated soda.

Eh.  I’m not sure, Mr. Warsteiner.  Maybe beer should just be beer and cola just cola.  Call me old-fashioned.

The show in Minden was off the hook.  Totally packed with totally enthusiastic Mindenites.  Alex had some nice ladies right in front of him in a real tizzy.  ”Alex….Aleeexx!!  Mien Leibe!!!”   they shouted.  He is pretty studly, so I understand.  

And then, early the next morning, we. drove to……….AMSTERDAM!!!!!!!!!!! (I really liked Amsterdam.)

We loaded into the Bimhuis:

Pretty sexy, no?  Here are some shots of the interior of the building:

Here we are soundchecking in the concert hall: We played at 2pm.  Rocked their Dutch faces off at 2pm on a Sunday.  We are consummate professionals.  A well-oiled machine.  Afterwards, we signed lots of autographs, and my pal Tomas was there.  He took some pictures of us after the show,  but I have yet to get them.  Come on, Tomas, put the bong down and get it together!  Then I can show the cyber world that you exist!

After the gig, we checked into the Movenpick Hotel:

Conveniently located right next door to the venue.  What a lovely place! The lobby:

Oh and the rooms!  Here’s the view from the window:

I know!  I’m way up there, right?  What a great room!  Alright, let’s get the bed warmed up:

“I know it’s possible.  In fact, this is the 3 hours in the future version of me; that’s why I’m all out of focus and fuzzy”

“Yeah, I thought you looked a little weird.  This is incredible!  What do you think about the scientific ramifications of this?

“Dude, whoa…I mean can we just chill?  Future me has a serious case of the munchies, and this creme brulee has ‘Alex Wong’

“Bitchin!”

They were actually really good.  The drummer was bonkers.  He picked up a towel to dampen the snare at one point and just started drumming with the towel.  He’d kick the cymbal and throw his sticks at it.  Wicked.  Has anyone out there heard of these guys?  Are they jazz legends?  When it comes to jazz,I don’t know my ass from a hole in the ground.

“Man, this tea is getting me so baked”

“Uh, Ward, that’s chamomile.  That ain’t gonna do shit.  Here, let’s split one of these:”

 Just had to write about Space Muffins while i’m still feeling the Space Muffins.

Damn, I mean yum yum.  So good.  feelin all fuzzy. can’t believe i made it 

back to the movinpick.  I’m swimming and I think everything’s funny.  

     Long seconds.  I’m hungry.  You can get your teeth fixed at Jerry’s famous deli.  

I thinkk I’m brilliant,  I wish i could write more but I cain’t.  I’m feelin

lazy and soggy.

Oh really, Level 38?  That’s right, bitches.  Who can defeat me!?  Bring it!!!!!!

This entry was posted on Monday, March 23rd, 2009 at 12:30 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.